Just in time for the semi-finals this week, my parents and I rank some of ‘hottest’ men to ever grace the Eurovision stage.
Now before you call me shallow I would like to clarify that this does not mean we are ranking solely based on looks/sex appeal. These entries have been selected not because I am necessarily attracted to them, but because musically they are some of the favourites from previous contests. They also just happen to be easy on the eyes IN MY OPINION.
“Now this ranking may make me look shallow and misandristic, but I also have a fat ass” – Freddie Hill (2021)
For my family’s ranking of recent Eurovision winners, catch up by clicking here.
Or, if you would like to read about the UK’s Eurovision entries you can click here.
The rules are the same as last time. We must individually rank the 11 entries in secret, and give our points at the end.
1st place: 12 points
2nd place: 10 points
3rd place: 8 points
then 7, 6, 5… down to 0 points for 11th place.
This week we were joined by a very close family friend who I will refer to as Lisa, because that is her name. Little did I know this new member would cause a major scoring shake-up…
Last Place: Azerbaijan 2013 – ‘Hold Me’ by Farid Mammadov
Actual Eurovision Placing: 2nd
9 points
Mum: 0
Dad: 1
Lisa: 5
Me: 3
Poor Farid, as soon as his face appeared on our tv screen our guest shouted ‘ORANGE’ and that was that. I mean I can guarantee that all the men on Eurovision are wearing some form of makeup, but the lighting for this performance exposed it more so.
Still I wasn’t quite expecting this to place last. The performance is different and interesting and he’s very attractive to me. It could be the suede suit bringing him down, or the Eurovision trope of ‘bringing a random woman on stage to show that you aren’t a homosexual’.
10th Place: Hungary 2014 – ‘Running‘ by András Kállay-Saunders
Actual Eurovision Placing: 5th
13 points
Mum: 5
Dad: 2
Lisa: 4
Me: 2
In hindsight, a Drum & Bass inspired track with a domestic abuse storyline was never going to impress my parents greatly. Unfortunately I ranked it as one of my lowest too. It’s very cool, and it absolutely deserves a place on this list, I just have more to say about some of the other songs and performers.
9th Place: Italy 2019 – ‘Soldi‘ by Mahmood
Actual Eurovision Placing: 2nd
15 points
Mum: 7
Dad: 0
Lisa: 0
Me: 8
An absolute robbery of the highest order. One of the best contemporary songs to ever come out of Eurovision was snubbed. It hurts to be alive. This genre of music is a bit like marmite; the quasi mumble-rap delivery probably alienated voters over 50. However, there’s enough in this song to make it accessible.
My favourite part of the song is the audience participation with the claps, and its super fun to do it at the gym when you have headphones on, scaring the shit out of everyone in the vicinity. Mahmood also has a special place in my heart for being the only practicing homosexual out of the 11 acts seen today.
8th Place: Sweden 2011 – ‘Popular‘ by Eric Saade
Actual Eurovision Placing: 3rd
17 points
Mum: 2
Dad: 7
Lisa: 2
Me: 6
‘Popular‘ was not exactly about lyrical finesse (“Stop, don’t say that it’s impossible ‘Cause I know it’s possible“) but the choreography made this an absolute guilty pleasure for me growing up. Now I am a full time homosexual there is no guilt.
I read that Eric was a Swedish ‘Blue Peter’ type presenter, making him the perfect loveable Eurovision twink hunk. It’s a shaky performance no doubt, but if you like the song I absolutely recommend the official music video that reads as an intro to a Matrix gay porn parody.
7th Place: Sweden 2013 ‘You‘ by Robin Stjernberg
Actual Eurovision Placing: 14th
21 points
Mum: 3
Dad: 5
Lisa: 3
Me: 10
After Loreen won in 2013, Sweden realistically had little chance of winning twice in a row and I particularly hated this song. Time has worn me down and now I think it’s one of the best entries Sweden has ever sent. You could say I’m experiencing signs of Stockholm syndrome… [crowd booing]
Mum and Lisa asked why a woman was competing in the ‘hottest men’ category, and I could not believe the absolute disrespect. Robin Stjernberg is a tall and stocky softie with a big heart and a bigger voice. Vanilla is sometimes the best flavour choice at the dodgy ice cream parlour. He is my husband no doubt, even if he looks a little bit like genetically modified Tilda Swinton.
6th Place: Italy 2015 – ‘Grande Amore‘ by Il Volo
Actual Eurovision Placing: 3rd
22 points
Mum: 4
Dad: 3
Lisa: 10
Me: 5
Countries are far more likely to succeed at Eurovision when they showcase what they are known for, and Italy has always been hailed as where opera all began. Combine that with tall, dark, and handsome men and you have a perfect Eurovision entry.
Il Volo definitely had an advantage for this ranking, considering that there’s three of them to choose from. I like the glasses jacket shirt man but Lisa had a very real reaction to the one in the middle. But even ignoring their perceived attractiveness, ‘Grande Amore‘ was the kind of Eurovision entry that could not go wrong.
5th Place: Switzerland 2019 – ‘She Got Me‘ by Luca Hänni
Actual Eurovision Placing: 4th
23 points
Mum: 1
Dad: 6
Lisa: 12
Me: 4
‘She Got Me‘ works as a mature and modern upgrade to Eric Saade’s ‘Popular‘, it also sets a new standard for dancing to electropop and singing at the same time; and that standard is mad difficult. But the question remains: Who is she? Where did you find her?
Ok so, yeah he’s hot, but to me it’s such an unattainable level of attractive that I find it very hard to relate. He must have a serious affliction otherwise it’s simply unfair for anyone to look like that.
4th Place: Russia 2016 – ‘You Are The Only One‘ by Sergey Lazarev
Actual Eurovision Placing: 3rd
24 points
Mum: 6
Dad: 4
Lisa: 7
Me: 7
After Måns Zelmerlöw’s LED screen caused him to win Eurovision 2015, we all wondered how acts would push the limits of technology in future contests. ‘You Are The Only One‘ did exactly that in 2016, leaving me absolutely shocked at 1:46. What is he standing on? What is he lying down on? The screen is completely flat?
It’s hard to deny the delightful charm of Sergey Lazarev, even if he continues the Eurovision trope of ‘bringing a random woman on stage to show that you aren’t a homosexual’. Despite hailing from problematic Russia and being a likely homophobe himself, Sergey still knows to give the girls and gays what they want; check out his music video for ‘Take It Off‘.
3rd Place: Czech Republic 2018 – ‘Lie To Me‘ by Mikolas Josef
Actual Eurovision Placing: 6th
28 points
Mum: 10
Dad: 12
Lisa: 6
Me: 0
I have no idea why this clean-cut child resonated so well with my parents. I merely included Czech Republic 2018 to add national variety to the lineup; and because somebody had to lose. Much to think about…
The song itself is inspired by ‘Talk Dirty‘ by Jason Derulo, and by inspired I mean copied exactly. The live performance features Vine choreography to appeal to children, he asks the audience to “eat ma spaghetti“, and my parents seemed to love it. In the words of Kathy Burke: ‘it’s all just a bit… paedy’.
2nd Place: Moldova 2012 – ‘Lăutar‘ by Pasha Parfeny
Actual Eurovision Placing: 11th
29 points
Mum: 8
Dad: 8
Lisa: 1
Me: 12
If Robin Stjernberg is my husband, then Pasha Parfeny is the holiday romance that I will think about forever. In 2012 I was obsessed with this entry, and now I realise it must have been because I subconsciously fancied Pasha. I’m so glad this performance got the points it deserved as it is simply brimming with Eurovision joy.
The choreography, strange as it is, is actually funny and entertaining. The song is uber catchy, and Pasha sings it incredibly well whilst being silly and somehow outrageously handsome at the same time. He also has this douchebag meets Littlefinger vibe going for him. I would simply like to drink with him. Highlights include him riding a woman as a boat at 2:11 followed by him pied-piping the women off the stage at 3:02.
1st Place: Norway 2018 ‘That’s How You Write A Song‘ by Alexander Rybak
Actual Eurovision Placing: 15th but does it matter? He already won in 2009.
31 points
Mum: 12
Dad: 10
Lisa: 8
Me: 1
I’m not upset, I’m just angry. Alexander Rybak was not even originally meant to be in this ranking as I thought it would be unfair. However, Mum kicked up a fuss as Alex is her absolute favourite Eurovision person. This led to bias on an international scale and in my mind Pasha is the real winner.
Alex is cute, charismatic, and only slightly annoying. In that respect I believe he has the sex appeal of a freshly-neutered Chihuahua. Unfortunately, I think my Dad recognised him and therefore assumed he is a person of merit. I mean the song is fun but, is this the hottest entry? I think the jury is still out on that.
Interestingly, if Lisa not taken part then Pasha would have won fair and square. So I suppose that more isn’t always merrier? As a family we still had plenty of fun discussing some more strange musical performances so it was a win/win situation for me.
Make sure to catch the first of the Eurovision Semi-Finals tonight at 8pm! Followed by the Grand Final of the Eurovision Song Contest on Saturday May 22nd on BBC One!
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DYCALmag 